Fan Fiction

"My goodness--young people these days certainly have imagination and a knack for finding humor in even the most desperate situations. Nothing is sacred. Not even ... my lord, Dracula? Oh, dear--he's not going to like this one bit. The so-called Boogie Mann brings you a Castlevania tale in the vein of such spoofs as Scary Movie and Dracula: Dead and Loving It (the master doesn't like this movie, either). Regardless of my lord's disapproval, Dracula: A Castlevania Parody is here for your enjoyment. It's not like he'll find out, anyway. I hope."

Dracula: A Castlevania Parody

By Boogie Mann

It was the middle ages. Mankind had shared peace and love for years to come, until the evil lord Dragula came to rule them! He was evil, wicked, and has a bad set of fangs. They matched his outfit. What people didn't realize is that Dragula was actually a disgruntled drag queen with a bad mouth of dragon breath and a terrible addiction. And now, he was out to get back at the cruel, horrid world.

So this Dragula dude was trying on drag outfits, dressing up like Queen Elizabeth on a bad day, and making sure there was time to have a snack before he took over the world. He sat at the top of his castle, where he was hiding out in a place where everyone knew where he was. Too bad most of them were too afraid to go looking for him. There must have been a rodeo going on.

But one man did not attend the distraction of the night, and grabbed his trusty weapon Usually, his family preferred whips, but not he. He grabbed his trusty pitch fork, and headed for Dragula's castle. His name was Imon Smellmont, and he had a terrible allergy to the letter C. After making his way to the castle, he crept inside.

Going down the main hall, he ran into a creepy looking ghost. It looked like it was wearing a sheet, perhaps a silk see thru. Underneath was not a pretty site. The swung his pitchfork at the ghost, and it burst into flames! "Take that! Nasty!" he said.

Imon kept going until he was met by more "nasties" so he killed them with his pitch fork. He kept going, making his way through the main hall, until he came across something really, really scary. Was it a bat? Was it a bird? Nope. It was a giant parrot!

The parrot had huge fangs and pink and black feathers. It hissed at him. "Oh my..." Imon said.

"'Oh my...oh my'...come up with some better dialog for me to repeat, you slimy, sloppy crap eater!" the parrot said. Imon struck at the parrot, but the parrot pecked him in the head with it's beak. Imon fought the parrot, trying very hard to keep it from flying in the air. "Get down here!" Imon yelled.

"Eat my butt!" the parrot cried. But then, Imon thrust his pitch fork in the parrots rear end, and brought it down. Immediately, the parrot fell to the ground and was silent from then on. But it did utter one last dying word, "Polly want a crackhead!"

Imon went on through the castle, fighting off hoards of endless creatures:beerwolves, anorexic skeletons, and armored axemen wearing feather boas He had to get across rivers of Sea Men. But scariest of all was when he met up with the Slim Reaper.

The Slim Reaper wore a pretty pink gown with beads and high heals. In his hand was a wand that looked like a sickle, but doubles as a nail file. "Good evening, Mr. Smellmont," Slim said. "Feeling spiffy, are we?"

"You'd better let me pass, or I'll...I'll...I'll rip your dress with my pitch fork!" With that cry, Imon fought Slim. Their weapons clashed worse than high heals on an army sergeant. The reaper did his best, tossing Frisbees, and laughing like a monkey.

After feeling like a dog in a circus act, Imon had enough. He ripped into the Reapers dress. With one yank, the dress came off and the reaper was floating there naked. "Uh oh," the reaper said, using his boney arms to cover his exposed area's. So humiliated he couldn't fight anymore, he flew out of there in a flash!

"Now to fight Dragula!" Imon said. He made his way to the threshold into Dragula's lair. It was flashy, lined with strange lights, and there was a creepy techno song in the background. "Must be fun to be a vamp," Imon said. He climbed the stairs, and found Dragula in front of the mirror checking his makeup.

Dragula turned and said, "Good evening, young Smellmont. I knew one of you would get here eventually. What is your name?"

"Imon."

"Your on what? Or should I ask who?" Dracula said.

"No, Imon Smellmont! Don't make fun of me, or I'll redo your manicure!" Imon said. "I've grown tired of this! I'm taking you down!"

Dracula put his hand up and asked, "Why? Is it because you are threatened by my glamour and grace? Let me tell you something, Smellmat, you aint got a thing on me!"

Imon knew when he was being challenged. From what he gathered, this Dragula character didn't want a fight, he wanted a match. "Fine, I'll wear the wear, the hair, and the shoes. But if I outclass you, you need to agree to go away for another hundred years or so!"

"Fine. Then give me what you've got, baby!" Dragula cried. He was so excited. Finally, a competition! He called forth his judges, Paula Abghoul, Fred Ascare and all of the Rolling Bones. They sat in their little booth, pens a paper in hand, and ready to judge.

Dragula went first, doing what he liked to call "Flash away dancing." He walked the walk, swinging his hips before disappearing and reappearing somewhere else. The judges clapped as he lipsinked to "I don't want anybody else. When I think about you, I touch myself!" Then she said, before performing the splits, "and there's lot's to touch!" Imon was shocked watching this solid figure doing all of this squeezed into a size 8 dress. But the judges loved it! He got a near perfect 9.99.

Now it was Imon's turn. He first impressed the judges by writing his own song. He dressed with a black silk dress with a diamond trim. His wig was beautiful and elegant, and he really looked like a woman! He did his best, swinging his hips, and twirling around like a merry-go-round. He sang:

"I've got the swing, while I'm in Dragula's wing!
I've got the style, kicking evil all the while!
I've got the hips that has all the kicks!
I'm a vampire killer, and now, I'M THE THRILLER! YEAH!"

After his number, the judges gave him a round of applause! Dragula was so upset when Imon got a perfect ten! "'Imon you!" Paula said, and she threw him a rose.

Now Dragula knew it was all over. He would have to go back to being a boy all the time. He didn't like that idea at all! Suddenly, he became a giant monster, big, green, uglier than sin. "I'll show you all what I can do!" he cried. The judges screamed, and ran away. Imon stood his ground. He grabbed his pitchfork, and with his high heels still high, went to battle the beast!

Dragula was breaking the place apart with his thrashing and crashing. He was just about to crush Imon, when he realized he had one problem. "Oh, um...lets call a truce, okay?"

"Why?!" Imon cried.

"I've got to go potty now. I can't hold it!" With that, Dragula went back to his normal form and ran away into the restroom. When he got out, he said, "Fine, you win! But I'll be back! And when I do, I'll have more drag under my wig that Big Mama's House!"

In a flash, he was gone. All Imon could do was say, "Big Mama's House? What in the hell is that?" Then, he left the castle and headed for home. When it really came down to it, he figured he actually learned something that night. First of all, he decided that Dragula was ugly as a man or a woman. And second of all, he understood that all a man had to do to get in touch with his feminine side was to wear a pair of high heals.

Well, that's the story. So in the future, next time you see a pretty lady going down the street, and you have to ask yourself if it's a man or not, check all the spots, make sure it's not another version of Roseanne and get ready to fight. Because you never knew when you may have a Dragula in that dress!

(Cue Gremlin's Theme)

The End