Fan
Fiction
 "Well,
here's something I've never seen. Apparently 'interviewing' has become
such a perfected art that it has leveled-up and graduated into some new
form of adventure-narrative! At least, that's what MarcKal, the author
behind Interviews, would have us believe. That same style has carried
over to The Rather Pointless Castlevania Adventure, where our author
of note joins forces with random series' characters for ... some reason
or another. I don't know. Maybe that's the point? Yes? This may
be the single most confusing riddle I've ever encountered. While I figure
it out, why don't you just read on, OK?" |
The Rather Pointless Castlevania Adventure
By MarcKal
Part 1
MarcKal: (walking up some stairs to the Hakuba Shrine)
Soma Cruz: Why are we here again?
MK: Well, I'm taking a short break from interviewing just to see the solar eclipse.
SC: Say, isn't the story so far kind of like Aria of Sorrow.
MK: SHUT UP!
SC: (crying) Wah.
MK and SC: (reaches the shrine)
MK: What now?
SC: Well, Mina is supposed to be here and- WHOOP! (gets hit behind the head)
MK: Hey! WHO ARE YOU!?
Unseen person with bat: My job is to take you to the castle in the solar eclipse by knocking you out, like this! (hits MK)
MK: Oh! Like that! (falls down, unconscious)
UPWB: Tee hee.
MK: (wakes up later on) Soma! WHAT HAPPENED!?
SC: I think we just ended up in Dracula's Castle…and it's the second time for me! DAMN IT!
MK: What do we do?
SC: Since I've already beaten this castle's ass, I gotta go get jiggy with a donut…UH, I mean….BYE! (hops away)
MK: That was weird…
Alucard: Hi!
MK: Why aren't you in you're Arikado dude form.
A: Because I feel more like a woman in this form!
MK: ….O-kay.
A: So, uh….do I really need to explain to you how to get souls?
MK: I can get souls!?
A: Nah, just kidding!
MK: GRRRRRR! (starts choking A)
A: I WAS JOKING AGAIN!
MK: Good! (kicks A and walks away) A couple of minutes later…
MK: (appears in SotN entrance) What the!? I thought we were in the Aria of Sorrow castle!
Unseen guy: Actually, this castle is a combination of castles from the games…I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT! AHHHHHH! (runs away)
MK: What the? Zombies: (rises from the ground) Ughhh…aghhhh….ughhhh!
MK: OH NO! THEY'RE GONNA EAT MY BRAINS AND STRING MY GUT!
Zombie 1: Ewww, that's sick! We just want the cheesy goodness of your Cheetos!
MK: NEVER! (takes out pocket knife and cuts Z1)
Zombie 2: YOU BASTARD! (runs around in circles)
MK: What the? (kills Z2 and levels up) SCORE!
Zombie Group: Crap! We're no much for him! RUN! (runs away)
MK: HA! ZG: (cries and goes back into the ground)
MK: (munches on Cheetos) Yum. (walks into the place with all the stairs) Blood Zombies already!?
Blood Zombie Group: Yup.
MK: Take this! (hits Blood Zombie 1 with pocket knife)
BZ1: You moron, you hit me with the handle!
MK: (hits BZ1 with the blade)
BZ1: THERE WE GO! (bends over, blood pops out, dies)
MK: Ewwww, he bled on me!
Blood Zombie 2: Ewwww, me too!
MK: Uh….HIYA! (kicks BZ2 down the stairs)
BZ2: (tumbling down) HOOF! HAGH! ARGH! HOOF!
MK and BZG: (watching BZ2 tumble) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. (looks at each other and stares for a minute) HARGH! (fights and MK emerges victorious)
MK: Crap, my life bar went down! (walks through a door with a red aura and goes in the Alchemy Lab) Wow, this place is weird.
Skeleton with Scimitar: HIYA! (attacks MK)
MK: HOOF! (beats up SWS)
SWS: (cries)
MK: Hey, why is there a door to the next room already?
SWS: Maybe Konami overlooked it?
MK: Maybe… (walks through door into the Circle of the Moon catacombs) DAMN IT! I HATED THIS GAME!
Nathan Graves: Not me because I'm cool!
MK: NO YOU'RE NOT! (kicks NG off)
NG: (screams like a girl) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (hits floor and dies)
MK: Woops. (walks away)
Hugh Grant: NO! MY BUDDY! (jumps down idiotically and dies)
MK: Moron….
Ghost: HAHA!
MK: ...ENEMY!
G: HOLY SHIT! (gets killed by MK)
MK: (levels up again) SCORE…uh….AGAIN!
MK: Well, I'm still and the catacombs and I just noticed the errors in part one!
SC: HAHA!
MK: What are you doing here?
SC: Uh…. (runs away)
MK: O-kay…. (punches bat and gains bat soul) SCORE!
Other Bat: The only thing the soul does is make peanuts?
MK: But you're bats!
OB: So? Just because the Galamoth soul can manipulate time doesn't mean he really could.
MK: Oh yeah…. (kills OB)
OB: AHHHH! (dies)
MK: I wonder if I picked up any other item? (looks through inventory list) Let's see, I have a persimmon, Claimh Solais…it sounds weak so I guess I'll throw it out, a peanut, a pocket knife, Soma's wig, and 200G! (closes inventory and walks into one of those orbs you see in SotN) Ewwww! I stepped on something blobish! Oh, it's a familiar! (activates familiar)
Chicken: (pops out) POCK-POCK!
MK: …God no….
Chicken: POCK-POCK!!!!
MK: SHUT UP!
Chicken: ….pock.
MK: (deactivates familiar)
Chicken: POCK! (disappears)
MK: (walks a couple of feet and sees a boss door in the way) OH NO! (sees save point behind him and runs to it) Okay, so I'll need to regenerate health and save! (gets into the coffin)
Part 2
Unknown Vampire: Hi.
MK: AHHHHH!
UV: Relax! I'm just you're average save point person like vampire….named Bob.
MK: Oh, okay. (saves and regenerates health)
Bob: Bye now!
MK: Bye! (walks out of coffin and into the boss room)
Sephiroth: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MK: Dude, wrong game.
Sephiroth: Oh…(walks away)
Giant Bat: (pops in) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MK: That's better, uh, I mean, AHHHHHHHHHH!
GB: I will use a VERY easy-to-memorize attack pattern!
MK: NO! STOP THE NESNESS!
GB: (uses old NES attack pattern)
MK: Oh no! I'm way too frightened to memorize it! (dies and wakes up in coffin) Wow, that save point did work!
B: Back already? WTF!? GET BACK OUT THERE AND KICK HIS ASS!
MK: Uh, can you give me some sort of weapon other than a lame pocket knife?
B: Sure! (hands MK a normal whip)
MK: ACK! It's not even upgraded!
B: Just kick his ass.
MK: Okay. (jumps into boss room, screaming) HIYA!
GB: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I will use a VERY easy-to-memorize attack pattern!
MK: You told me that already!
GB: Oh, I have to say that everytime you battle me.
MK: Oh, okay. HIYA! (kill GB)
GB: DAMN IT! Why didn't I see that coming? (falls down and dies)
MK: Whoohoo! Do I get his soul?
GB: No, we took off the soul system.
MK: That's rather cheap.
GB: Yeah, I know. (dies again)
MK: Well, I'm off to the next room (walks through the door and goes into the Dance Hall in AoS) Cool!
Zombie Officer: NOT COOL! (attacks MK)
MK: YOU SON OF A BITCH! (whacks ZO with short sword)
ZO: I'll need more hits than that.
MK: (hits ZO many times)
ZO: CRAP! WHY'D I TELL YOU!
MK: Cause I rock.
ZO: DAMN YOU AND YOU'RE ETERNAL COOLNESS!
MK: Hehe. (walks into the dance floor) Wow! People dancing in the air! (starts getting attacked by several Ghost Dancers)
GD: Sorry!
MK: NO SORRY! (kills GD)
GD: DAMN YOU!
MK: (jumps down into the basement) Crap, this doesn't look good.
Evil Butcher: Neither do I.
MK: AHHHH!
EB: AHHHH!
MK: (swings short sword at EB and eventually killing him)
EB: CUAKCKFKGKAKGKSJIOGKGK!
MK: What happened to the sound you make?
EB: I dunno…. (falls down and dies)
MK: Tee hee. (hops into save point and saves)
Part 3
MK: (gets out of save point and sees Alucard with a pained expression) What's wrong?
Alucard: Dracula is rising up by taking all the souls from the strongest people in the world to make the ultimate orb of power!
MK: ….Okay, Konami is just milking the series now.
A: Just go kick his ass, okay?
MK: Whatever.
A: (leaves in a Mega Man-like way)
MK: But he's….NEVERMIND. (walks through red door into the Marble Gallery from SotN) Wow! I never liked the lower part of the Marble Gallery, but wow! (bumps into Sonia Belmont) Oh God, not another horrible story element.
Sonia Belmont: You must be the great hero Marc.
MK: Well, that's not horrible…
SB: I've come from the future!
MK: Don't you mean past?
SB: Uh, that works too! Oh yeah, we've found out that Simon Belmont's soul has been taken and his body is a soulless zombie that has Dracula's powers.
MK: MILKING IT!
SB: Uh…yeah, so kick his ass! Kick his ass!
MK: I'm not even close to the top floor!
SB: Whatever, just do it when you get to him! AND NO GOING BACK TO THE DATA SCREEN TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO FLAGGLESNAGGLE!
MK: Uh…can I ask why not?
SB: Because that's a cheat.
MK: And? Won't it make it easier for me to defeat Dracula.
SB: No, because then you won't be able to play later as a secondary character, who goes through the same mission, but with no story whatsoever. Like Julius in Aria of Sorrow!
MK: Yeah! Julius Belmont: I have shocking news!
MK: STOP EXTENDING THE STORY! IT'S CORNY ENOUGH AS IT IS!
JB: Soma has been kidnapped and is now turned against you!
MK: Because?
JB: Uh…because…HE'S UNDER A SPELL! Yeah, that works!
MK: Whatever.
JB: Me and Sonia must now walk the way you'll be walking to access the boss room and we'll not be seen because you can't walk around with NPCs in the area?
MK: What?
JB: NOTHING! (runs away with SB)
MK: Whatever… (walks through boss door)
Simon Belmont: BLAGH!
MK: AHHHHHHHH!
SMB: BLOOGH! (starts teleporting and shooting fireballs like Dracula)
MK: …Oh…. (defeats SMB without holy glasses) BUT NO ONE GAVE ME THEM!
SMB: That's the way the cookie crumbles…AND HA YOU GET THE BAD ENDING! (dies)
MK: Shit! (runs away into the next room)
Bob: Save point!
MK: (saves and regenerates health)
B: See ya!
MK: Damn, I'm leaving!
B: Not yet! Please defeat one more boss! And oh yeah, you forgot to pick this up from Simon's dead rotting corpse. (hands Marc the vampire killer)
MK: Wow! And he didn't even use it! That idiot! (walks out of save point) I wonder what'll happen if I whip myself. (does so) OUCH! Hmmmm…. (whips self again) OUCH! (repeats for a small while)
Statue: DAMN IT, JUST CONTINUE!
MK: Oops. (walks away and sees a door with a blue aura around it) THE DOOR'S MAGICALLY SEALED!? Great, now I can't receive whatever's at the end.
Another Statue: (cough) Whip upgrade (cough)
MK: Hmmmm…I don't think it's a whip upgrade!
AS: You idiot.
MK: (attacks AS and kills it)
AS: ACK!
MK: HA!
A Third Statue: You killed my bro!
MK: And? ATS: YOU SHALL DIE!
MK: (attacks ATS and shatters it)
ATS: SHIT! MK: (levels up) BOOYAH!
Dracula: (all the way in the throne room) Who in the hell is saying booyah? (shrugs)
MK: (back at wherever he is) Well, I think I'll just sleep here.
Skeleton: BLAGH!
MK: ….You know you'll die right?
Skeleton: Right… (gets killed by MK) HUGH!
Hugh Grant: What?
MK: No, he was making a dying noise….. Aren't you supposed to be dead?
HG: Thanks a lot! (falls down dead)
MK: Oops…. (points at a random picture, not seeing it is JB) IT WAS HIM!
JB: (walking through a hallway and gets attacked by the police and possibly a chicken) HUGH!
HG: WHAT!?
JB: That was a pained sound and you're supposed to be dead.
HG: You son of a- (dies)
JB: Oops.
MK: (back to wherever he is) Well, I think I'll go into this boss door. (walks into boss room)
Frankenstein: Ugh…..
MK: OH NO! DON'T HURT ME!
F: Ugh…..
MK: What the!?
F: Ugh…..
MK: Huh?
F: Ugh…..
MK: ….
F: Ugh…..
MK: (starts attacking F and kills him)
F: YOU SON OF A BITCH! (dies)
MK: He actually survived long enough to finish it unlike Hugh.
HG: Anyone call?
MK: YOU'RE DEAD!
HG: MOTHER- (dies)
Part 4
MK: (Opens cellphone and dials number) ….Mr. P?
Mr. P: Hello?
MK: Hi, can you…HELP ME!?
Mr. P: What are you talking about?
MK: I'M STUCK IN CASTLEVANIA!
Mr. P: Right, like the time you were captured by the Czechoslovakian Mafia.
MK: I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME!
Mr. P: What about the time when you were about to be sacrificed to a scorpion idol by zombies?
MK: Pleaaaaaassssssssssse!
Mr. P: I especially love the time where you are almost fed to Mongolian Wolves!
MK: MR. P! HEL- (Phone gets scratchy and turns off) DAMN IT!
Mr. P: Marc? Are you there? …Marc?
MK: (Shivers and walks into next room, which is the Music Room) What the?
Zombie: Dracula loves music TOO! Of course, it's all symphony and stuff.
MK: …AHHH! (Kills Z)
Z: YOU MOTHER FU-
MK: Ha…you didn't say it!
Z: (Mumbles)
MK: I probably can! MOTHER FU- (Beep) ….DAMN IT!
Possessed Trumpet: Ha-ha! In your face, dink!
MK: Dink? (Sniff) Dink? WHY DINK!? WAHHHHHHHHH (Runs into next room, crying)
Possessed Drums: Now look what you did, you stupid trumpet.
PT: Oops.
PD: (Chases after Marc) Wait, Marc, he didn't mean it!
MK: (Looks at PD) Ayah! (Karate chops PD to death)
PD: BLAH! (Dies)
MK: (Looks around) Cool, I'm in a…pure black room?
The Nothingness: Yeah, we couldn't think of anything.
MK: Wow…this…sucks…. (Walks through the next door and appears underwater) I'M DROWNING!
Alucard: (Swims in) No, idiot, you can breathe underwater. I know, it's odd, but hell, why can Soma do it? Why can I do it? WHY CAN EVERYBODY DO IT!?
MK: Because it's Castlevania?
A: Good point. Now, I must be going, but before I do, I have to give you a very cool weapon!
MK: REALLY!?
A: (Nods) Yup. (Hands MK a stick)
MK: ….Alucard, I hate you.
A: Well, it's not a normal stick! We killed your pet rat Wink, who was just bitten into a vampire, with this, making it the Vampire Killer…Stick…Version.
MK: What kind of logic is that!?
A: The logic of Leon Belmont.
MK: Huh? A: Leon killed his chick with a whip and made it the Vampire Killer.
MK: …Wow…idiot…
A: ….
MK: HEY! I just remembered! I have the whip!
A: Actually, we, um….
MK: What?
A: ….
MK: WHAT!?
A: Burnt it.
MK: ….
A: Well, we didn't want you super powerful! And, on the side of that, we cooked your weapons and ate them a while ago. Your knife was quite tasty. Mmmm…yummeh in mah tummeh.
MK: That doesn't make the LEAST bit of sense.
A: Well, your face don't make the least bit of sense!
MK: You mean your face DOESN'T make the least bit of sense, moron.
A: I HATE YOU! (Runs away, crying)
MK: …Wait, we're underwater. He can't run!
A: I CAN RUN SUPER SLOW! (Continues running, in super slow motion)
MK: Yeah, right, whatever. (Swims to the surface and sees he is in the underground cavern place of AoS) Wow, I always liked the scenery here.
Skull Millone: (Pops in) ¡Usted es muerto, perra!
MK: F you. I studied Spanish, idiot. I even said that in my one of my interviews!
SM: ¡Porqué usted pequeño fu-(Beep)-er de la madre!
MK: Well, f-(Beep)-k you!
SM: ¡Usted es muerto, homie!
MK: (Pulls out Vampire Killer Stick Version) Fear it! Fear it!
SM: ¡No del Oh! ¡Un palillo!
MK: (Waves VKSV around) FEAR IT!
SM: ¡Maldígalo! ¡Maldígalo! ¡Maldígalo! (Flees)
MK: ¡En su cara!
Part 5
MK: This cavern is scary…MOMMY!
The Nothingness: I thought you liked the scenery.
MK: Yeah, things can be lovely and scary at the same time! Oh, and don't forget the great background music!
TN: Riiiiiight.
MK: Wait…why are YOU here?
TN: Cause I feel like it.
MK: THEN DIE! (Leaps and attacks TN)
Near-by Monster: WHAT is he fighting? (Shakes head and walks away)
Near-by Monster 2: I know…what a moron… (Follows)
MK: (Finally kills TN) HA! IN YOUR FACE! (Walks through door and appears in save room) THANK GOD!
Bob the Save Point Vampire: Hi Marc!
MK: Hi Bob!
BSPV: Wanna save?
MK: YOU BET! (Hops into coffin and saves) Ah….good old life points…. (Leaves save point and appears in a teleportation room from AoS) Total sweetness!
Devil: You made up that word!
MK: *singing* WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY!!!!
D: …?
MK: J-just teleport me.
D: Alrighty then! (Groove music begins to play)
MK: …?
D: (Teleports MK)
MK: (Leaves and appears in Inner Quarters) Sweetness!
Perspherone: (Gets ready to fight and speaks some Japanese)
MK: Hey… Don't you remember me?
P: (Pauses for a moment) MARC!? What are you doing here!?
MK: Oh, well… I'm…you know…trying to save the world.
P: Oh…well…I'm gonna go get some coffee. Want some?
MK: Nah, it's alright. I have to get going anyway. Bye. (Walks away)
P: Bye. (Waves)
MK: (Sees several witches and student witches) Oh, wow, babes.
Witch: Uh…you're our enemy and stuff, so, we have to, like, kill you and stuff.
MK: Damn it. I actually meet a babe in this castle *besides that Perspherone* and it has to kill me *unless…*. Hey, babes, if you don't kill me I'll give you WAFFLES!
Witches: WHERE!?
MK: If you don't kill me, I'll give you waffles. (Pulls out waffles) See.
Ws: SURE!
MK: (Tosses waffles) Alright, bye ladies.
Ws: (Waves)
MK: (Walks into next room) I'M BLUE, BABA-DI-BABA-DAI! (Sees succubus come out of ground) *greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat… I've had bad experiences with succubi…'cept that one time on my show*
MK: I'm gonna summon a succubus! (Does spell, incubus appears) NO!!!!!!!!!
MK: And I never summoned one again… Oh, wait, I did. Nevermind. Anyway, DIE! (Begins hitting succubus, eventually killing it) WEEEEEEEEE! I ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!
Random guy: No you don't. (Shot)
MK: (Gun disappears) Fucking gun… Hey, look, no FUCKING censor! WOOOOO! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Konami: You're abusing it.
MK: FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHER FU-(Beep)-ER….F-(Beep)!
